Who Am I Really?
by LoveIsles
Summary: Jane wakes up in a hospital bed and is unable to move or communicate. How will she cope if they can't fix this.
1. Chapter 1

**Who Am I Really…Jane**

**This story begins with some angst. It might get better, but if I told you, wouldn't that ruin it! This story idea comes from one of my favorite books – something I read a very long time ago, "Johnny Got His Gun". Usual disclaimers-don't own them, not making any money…. And just so you know, I hate bad endings.**

"Jane…..Jane….." I could hear Maura's voice but I couldn't feel my body, couldn't move my face, and couldn't open my eyes. I strained to move something, anything. But I couldn't. I tried to moan, but my vocal chords must have been paralyzed as well. I am totally screwed.

The last thing I remember was slipping down a ravine while trying to reach the victim of a car accident. Then, nothing. Darkness. What the hell happened to me? How long had I been like this? I realized that I couldn't see, or move, or talk. How was I going to let them know I was in here? What if there was no one in the room with me. How could I tell the difference between night and day, between sleeping and being awake, between dreams and reality? Was I dreaming now?

Then, I could hear Maura talking to someone. "Doctor Wilson, she is registering a steady heartbeat, she's still alive in there. Why is she completely paralyzed? What are we going to do? Is she going to get better? Isn't there some operation, some reparative therapy...something..oh my god, you have to do something."

I'd never before heard Maura sound that hysterical, that desparate. I could tell she was crying. I wanted to hold her and tell her it was ok. I wanted to say, "I'm awake, I'm in here", but nothing would move.

I could picture her face – her beautiful face. It was the face I wanted to touch…to kiss. Something as simple as a touch or a kiss or a look that said I have always loved you – but I couldn't do any of it. I might never be able to see her, or anything else again or be able to walk again, or to communicate or laugh or love. What if I had to spend the rest of my life like this – completely aware of everything around me but unable to engage, unable to really be a functioning human being.

I believe that we all have a purpose for our lives. My Nonna taught me that. I'd always known that my purpose in life was to protect those I love and put away the bad guys.

But, now, here I am without any of the Jane Rizzoli characteristics I'd used to get me to this point in my life. What was I if I wasn't the physical Jane Rizzoli, the athletic Jane Rizzoli, the Detective Jane Rizzoli, or the cool/sarcastic Jane Rizzoli? What was I? Or was that, who was I?

I may have just lost everything I use to evaluate myself. Was I strong enough? Was I smart enough? Was I a great detective? Was I doing everything I could do to keep myself safe from emotional harm? Because that last thing, the emotional protection thing, was what had kept me from taking the chance on telling Maura how much I loved her. My fear of what everyone else would say had kept me from admitting that I was in love with a woman. How would I evaluate myself now?

And if they couldn't fix me, this is how I would end.

The doctor was telling Maura that they could explain some of the paralysis because I'd broken my back in so many places. They could not, however, be sure about the spinal nerve damage or whether this would be permanent.

"Jane", I could feel Maura close to me. "I know you're in there. We have you hooked up to every machine we could use to monitor you. There is brain function, we just don't know how much of your cognition is functioning. I wish you could open your eyes, I wish you could squeeze my hand, I wish there was just one thing you could do to communicate with me"

"Just one thing…" I thought. What had I done with all of the time that I had had ALL of those things? Before this, I could see, I could talk, I could walk, and I could have loved, all of those things that I had taken for granted. And now, I had none of them. If I could only move a finger, I could tap Morris Code. If I could speak, I could tell Ma and Frankie and Tommy and Maura how much I loved them. How many days did I roll my eyes at my mother or avoid Maura because she was on one of her scientific, google rolls?

I could hear Maura tell the doctor that my family had left for the first time in days to go home and rest. She was staying.

I wanted to tell her to hold me, to kiss my face, to tell me she loved me. I wanted to tell her I was in here, and I was scared and lost.

I heard her crying in the chair next to my bed. There was nothing I could do.

Maura told me once that you never know, that is you are not consciously aware of, the moment you fall asleep. I was suddenly aware of voices and of the change in temperature from the sun on my skin. I assumed I had slept, and that it was morning.

Today was going to be another very long day.

**Yes, I am going to continue this and will update regularly. I can't tell you how important reviews are to me so if you have time, please do.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh my Janie", I heard my Ma say as her tears dripped onto my face. Then she quickly wiped them off.

I wish I could tell her not to cry. I wish I could reassure her that I would be Jane again. But I had no idea whether I would be Jane again – that I would be anyone again.

She was interrupted by the doctor who had come into the room. "Good morning Mrs. Rizzoli," he began.

"Good morning, doctor. Please call me Angela.

Just then Maura entered the room and Angela engulfed her is a hug. "Oh, Maura, she cried, what are we going to do?

Maura turned to the doctor and asked, "Can you tell me what's going on with Jane? What's the diagnosis? What are we going to do?"

"Unfortunately, Dr. Isles, we still don't have a course of action. We believe your friend has suffered what we refer to as Locked-in syndrome which usually results from a brainstem stroke which abolishes voluntary control of movement without affecting either wakefulness or awareness.

Usually, patients are substantially paralyzed but conscious, and can usually communicate using movements of the eyes or eyelids. In your friend's case the stroke was caused by the trauma she suffered in the fall. What we don't understand now is why we have no eye movement."

"Can she recover?" Angela spoke through her tears.

"Well," the doctor responded, "the literature suggests that this will be a very long and painful recovery and only for a select few, I'm sorry. But, I have just finished reading about a woman in the UK who recovered in 8 weeks. Doctors on her case are just not sure why. We're in the process of contacting them to see whether they can give us any information that will help us help Jane. Meanwhile, we do know that she can hear and understand us now, she can hear and understand you, and she's probably very afraid of what's happening to her."

"If you can give me the information, doctor, I will help you get in touch with the doctors in the UK and I can assure you that there is no expense to be spared in doing whatever we can do to help Jane recover fully?"

"Fine", replied the doctor. "I will have my secretary bring you everything we have uncovered in our research."

Thank you doctor, I really appreciate it.

I'm going to finish my rounds, then I'll check in with you later.

Jane was both relieved and scared to death. She had something to work with and so did Maura.

Why couldn't she blink? The doctor said she should be able to blink. Well, that's something I can concentrate on trying to do. Eyelids, eyelids, eyelids, she thought.

Three days later, Maura was standing by the window in Jane's room looking outside willing herself not to cry. This was her Jane, her detective, her love. If she can understand me, I need to tell her how much I miss her – how much I love her.

Jane, I know you can hear me. I know you're in there. Please don't be afraid. I will not leave you. I will be here with you, loving you until you can be whole again. I have loved you for so long, needed you for longer than I can remember.

Jane if you can try to blink, we could communicate, and we could know what you're feeling. I know you're scared, baby, but please try.

Jane had been trying every minute for the past three days. When she heard Maura ask her to try, something triggered her brain to respond. Slowly, starting with just a flutter, Jane opened her eyes.

"Oh, Jane", Maura cried, "oh my sweet girl, I'm here, I love you so much." Jane blinked once.

"Is once for Yes? Jane, is it? Jane blinked again.

Maura began to sob as she held Jane's hand. "Oh my god, Jane, I have to get the doctor. I'm not leaving you honey, just going to get the doctor. I'll be right back.

Jane had tried so hard for the last three days. She'd done it. She could communicate. She was exhausted, but this gave her such hope. A tear ran down her face. Maybe, just maybe she would be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Let me first apologize for using the term "reparative therapy". To me it was just a way of asking about therapy that could repair Jane. As one reviewer pointed out, the term has one specific meaning. It is the term used to describe the repugnant therapy of trying to change homosexuals into heterosexuals. Yep, not at all what I meant. And if you've read my other story, the Speeding Ticket" you know that was certainly not my intention. This is a harder story to write because it started down a path and now I have to keep doing research so I don't do something stupid. So the updates will probably be slower. Hope you enjoy this chapter. And of course reviews help.**

Maura came in a few minutes later with Dr. Wilson.

"Jane, I'm Dr. Wilson. I understand you can blink." Jane blinked. "That's great, Jane. That's a wonderful start. We're going to be trying some different therapies beginning tomorrow and we will explain everything we're doing. Dr. Isles will be involved every step of the way. Do you understand me, Jane?" Jane blinked again.

Jane was clearly exhausted after so much exertion and closed her eyes.

Maura came over to her bedside. "Jane, I want you to rest. Your body will be trying to repair itself and you need to allow that to happen. So please, let yourself fall asleep. I'll stay here with you until you do. How's that, Jane?" All Jane could do was blink.

Maura knew a lot about a lot of things, but she didn't know enough about "Locked in syndrome". She went home after Jane had fallen asleep and got out all of her medical journals, then she got online to do even more research. Dr. Wilson's receptionist had given her copies of everything he'd learned and she had left a message with the doctor who treated the woman in the UK to see what she could learn.

Because of the time difference, it was the middle of the night in the UK so she decided to finally get some rest.

_What am I going to do if this is as far as she gets – if this is all the recovery there is? I've wasted two years being in love with her and not telling her. She knows I love her, but she has no idea how much. Whatever happens, I will take care of her. I'll hire a nurse to be with her during the day…. _Maura suddenly burst into tears.

"Oh my God, this is so terrible". She said out loud. She couldn't stop crying. She got back out of bed, poured herself a glass of wine, and went to her office to do more research. Finally, at two in the morning, exhausted, Maura laid down and fell asleep.

She called into work the next morning and asked for a leave of absence. She was granted the leave because everyone knew she wouldn't be functional as long as Jane was in this condition. She called Korsak and Frost and told them what was going on and asked them not visit Jane just yet. She promised to call them every day with an update. Each in his own way showed the emotion they'd been holding in. Korsak cried, Frost swore.

Jane was drugged so she didn't wake up until early the next morning. She was still in pain, but knew the nurses would be in soon.

She could at least open her eyes. _All I can do is open my eyes_. She thought. _All I can do is blink to communicate._ _But yesterday, I couldn't do that. I couldn't see. _ There was something profound about her appreciation of just one ability, just one thing she could do. She could see her family, and she could see Maura.

She decided she would concentrate on what she had and not what she didn't have. _Imagine regaining the use of my arms, my hands, my legs, Jane thought. I want everything back. Please God, please let me have everything back. If there's something I've done horribly wrong, please forgive me. If there's something YOU want me to do, please let me know what that is. I think I need a miracle._

_Funny_, Jane thought, _all those years in Catholic school – then drifting away from her religion, any religion, and here I am begging God to give me a miracle._

Angela, Tommy and Frankie were surrounding her. "Hi, Janie, are you in pain, because I can get the nurse"? Jane blinked once. "Ok, I'll get her", said Angela.

The nurse arrived shortly thereafter and put painkiller in Jane's intravenous tube. She felt better, but groggy.

A few minutes later, she heard Maura enter the room and say good morning to Angela and the brothers. "Good morning, Jane". Maura reached over and kissed her forehead.

"I've spent some time researching. And what I know now is that we are going to have a team of people working with us. In time, we may want to move you to a rehabilitation facility where you can have therapists work with you all day every day." Jane blinked twice.

"Jane, why are you saying 'no'? Are you going to let your pride get in the way of getting better – because I'm not having it, do you understand me, Jane. I need you. I need you to be as recovered as you can be. If that means all you can do is blink, then so be it. I love you Jane and I am going to do everything I can do to help you. Don't get proud on me Jane Rizzoli, this is my life too".

Jane wanted to tell Maura not to devote her life to her, to get on with her life. Maura was a young, beautiful woman. She could not spend her life waiting for Jane to recover. _I might never recover_.

Jane's brothers had both kissed her goodbye and had left, and Angela, listening to Maura, could only hug her and cry. The two women in Jane's life stood holding each other for minutes before Maura held Angela at arms-length. "Angela, I would like you to sign an advanced directive giving me the power to make decisions about Jane's care. I won't make any decisions without talking with you about them, but it will be easier and quicker if I have the power to do this. Tell me that you'll let me do this, please."

"Maura, I will sign the papers today to have you be Jane's legal decision maker or whatever it's called. You know so much more about all of this than any of us, and Maura I know how much you love each other and I trust you."

"Thanks, Angela."

Jane watched all of this from her powerless position. She didn't know whether to be relieved or upset. Being powerless was new to Jane Rizzoli, being out of control was new to Jane Rizzoli and finally, relying on others to take care of her was completely foreign to her. She had always been the one to take care of her mother, and she considered herself to be the protector of her family and of Maura. But now, she had no choice.

_Is this what I'm supposed to learn, God?_

**Thoughts?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to the guest who suggested I watch the Diving Bell and the Butterfly – hard to watch, but high impact. And thanks to all of you who are following. This one is harder for me, but I'll hang in if you will.**

Who Am I Really, Chapter 4

Maura had been reading everything there was to read and had come up with a new technology that was being used in the treatment of LIS (locked-in syndrome). At a treatment center in Chicago, the doctors had found a way for patients to communicate using what was called eye tracking assistive technology.

The common understanding among doctors was that the most important ability they could restore was communication, and this technology made it possible for a patient to focus his/her eyes on a keyboard and actually type messages. This was considered a huge breakthrough and one Maura was determined to use with Jane.

It had been 3 weeks since the accident and Jane didn't seem to be making any improvement. When Maura walked into Jane's room, she was surprised to see a tear on Jane's cheek. Maura wiped it away with her hand and kissed Jane on her forehead.

"I have some news Jane. There's something I think we should try". Maura explained the new technology and Jane blinked once.

"Ok, sweetie, I'm going to have two of the doctors and the technician here in two days. It's worth a try Jane."

"Also, I spoke with the doctor in the UK. He told me that there was no scientific reason for his patient to have had a full recovery. The scientific community is baffled. However, I did speak with the woman's mother.

Angela entered the room and gave both Jane and Maura a kiss on the cheek.

"I was just telling Jane about the woman in the UK."

"What did you find out?"

"Let me say first, that I'm not convinced and neither are her doctors that what happened is the truth, however, there is just no way to explain this. The woman with LIS says that she concentrated every day, for as long as she was awake, on moving, starting with her toes and working her way up to the top of her head. The only way I can explain it is that she was tapping into a part of the brain that is not normally accessed. Her mother, on the other hand, who is a devout Catholic, credits her recovery to rubbing her body every day with water from a place called Lourdes".

"Oh, my god", cried Angela, of course. Lourdes is a place in France where the blessed mother appeared to three children and where miracle cures have been reported".

Maura was not a person who believed in either miracles or God, but she held her tongue. Sometimes cures were reported because people believed they could be cured, and the brain, being the mystery that it is, could have played a role.

Jane was listening and thinking_. If I could roll my eyes, I just would have. But I'm up for anything that will save my life, so what the hell._


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the reviews and encouragement. Funny how I can't see my mistakes until it's published. I know there's another one in here somewhere.**

Two days later, the team that Maura had contacted arrived at the hospital with all of the new assisted eye technology. There was a computer, a large screen with letters, a portable platform and a small video camera. In the past, those with LIS could communicate with the help of a therapist who would read from a chart of frequently used letters. When the therapist arrived at the letter the patient wanted to use, he/she would blink. It was painstaking to say the least.

Maura, Jane and Angela listened as the technician explained how the device worked.

"This new technology works by having the user look at a letter or phrase, then stay on it for a given period of time – just a few seconds. When the patient is finished with a thought, she will look at this square here, and the computer turns the letters and phrases into a voice".

"Oh, Maura, this is so great. Jane can talk to us".

"Jane, do you understand"? One blink.

The rest of the morning was spent training Jane on moving her eyes to the correct squares. It was not that easy and Jane grew frustrated. Finally, after three hours, Jane was ready to "say" her first words.

"Ok, Jane. We're ready. What would you like to say"?

Jane moved her eyes as Angela and Maura watched letters appear on the top of the screen. Then the computer voice said, "I love you both so much".

They both burst into tears as they heard clicking again.

"No crying. I'm in here and I'm scared".

"I know you are, Jane, and it's okay. You did really well today. This is going to get easier every day.

Jane was exhausted and was falling asleep. She really wanted to keep "talking" but she could hardly keep her eyes open. Finally, she typed, "Need to sleep".

"Of course you do baby" replied Angela.

"Jane, I'm going to move all of this out of your way so you can get some rest".

"Wait". Came a voice from the machine.

"What is it, Jane?"

Jane wanted to tell Maura what she had not told her these past few months. She wanted to tell her that she loved her more than a friend. But, she stopped, and thought about what it would mean_. I can't tell her I love her while I'm lying here like a vegetable. That wouldn't be fair._

"Never mind, I just need some sleep".

Angela and Maura made sure Jane was comfortable then went to get coffee.

Jane was left with her thoughts.

_I wonder what I look like. I've been lying here thinking of myself as the Jane Rizzoli I was before the accident. Is my body disfigured? Is my face disfigured? I am completely helpless. It's like my brain is separate from my body. I'm obsessed thinking about what I took for granted. I used to look in the mirror and know who I was. I defined myself by how I looked, how strong I was, how capable I was. What is the measure of a person who has no physical body? That's how I feel – as though the only part of me that is __me__ right now is my brain. I feel like my life is over. I can never do the things I do normally let alone think about what I'm going to do in the future. My "bucket list" consists of maybe two items – live and be able to move something. Not a lot to look forward to._

With that thought, Jane fell asleep.

Meanwhile, Maura and Angela were in the hospital cafeteria having coffee and discussing Jane's progress and her future.

"Maura, I know you don't believe in this, but I want to send to Lourdes for water from the healing fountain there".

"Angela, I'm certainly not going to stop you from doing that. But I'm going to concentrate on having Physical Therapists working on moving her body every day. I've hired two of the best PTs from the Mayo clinic to be Jane's private therapists. I want to move her to a special facility right here in Boston so she can begin rehabilitation".

"Now that she can communicate with us, do you think we should ask her what she wants to do"?

"Angela, knowing Jane, and compounded by her present state, do you really think Jane is going to want extra or special care"?

"No, I know. It's so hard seeing her like this". At this, Angela began to cry.

It was all Maura could do not to join her. Both of them had maintained control knowing that Jane needed them to be hopeful and strong. But sitting here, talking about this made holding on even more difficult.

"I could just lie down and cry", Angela said, trying to compose herself. "We don't really know what's going on in her head. And we don't know that she'll ever get better".

"I know, Angela, but we have to look and act like we think she's going to be herself again. That could be what convinces her to work at getting everything back".

When Angela had slowed her crying to a sniffle, she looked at Maura and said, "Maura, Jane loves you".

"And you know I love her, Angela".

"No, Maura, Jane is in love with you. So this is all compounded by the fact that she's sure now that she can never have you – that she has nothing to offer you".

Maura moved her hand to her mouth as if to stop herself from exhaling a primal scream. Then, she completely broke down and sobbed. "Oh, Angela, I'm in love with her too and I've never told her"?

Angela moved around the table and put her arms around the distraught Dr. Isles who was falling completely apart. She held her as she cried and rocked. She was suddenly lost in a deep, dark, place that she had, up until this time, avoided.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks again for the reviews and follows. In this chapter when Jane's dialogue is in quotes, it's coming from the machine. If you review, could you tell me how this Lourdes thing is playing. Thanks.**

Maura was completely collapsed from crying. Angela took her home to get some rest, and told her she would be back to pick her up later. Maura felt like she couldn't move her arms or legs. She dragged herself to her bedroom and fell onto the bed.

Two hours later, she awoke, undressed and went into the bathroom to shower. As she let the hot water cascade over her, she started to sob again. This level of grief was something she had never experienced. All she could do was lean against the tiled walls sobbing and cry out loud, "my Jane, my Jane". She stayed like that for twenty minutes unable to shake herself out of her profound sadness.

Finally, she pulled herself together, dried her hair, pulled it back into a ponytail and dressed in jeans and a thin cashmere sweater. She texted Angela to ask when they were going back to the hospital. Angela texted back that Tommy had to work late and she had to stay with TJ.

Maura took a taxi back to the hospital. When she walked into Jane's room, she saw that Jane was awake and immediately went over and kissed her on the forehead.

She moved the communication equipment back in front of her, turned everything on and asked, "Is this ok, can you see the keyboard"?

Jane replied that it was ok.

"There's something I want to talk with you about that we haven't talked about before".

"Okay".

"Jane, I want you to know something I should have told you a long time ago". Maura hesitated taking in a deep breath.

"You have no idea how much I love you – how much I am in love with you. I am so very sorry that I never told you. I wasted so much of the time we could have been together by being afraid, by being caught up in my life, by thinking that we had forever. I will never leave your side. I love you unconditionally, and that means in whatever state you're in. And, we are going to do everything we can to fix this, Jane. Do you hear me? You are not going to spend the rest of your life, our lives, like this".

Jane began moving her eyes over the keyboard. "Maura, I love you more that air. I've loved you for as long as I can remember. But, I can't let you attach yourself to a vegetable, and that's what I am. I have nothing to offer you. I'm a functioning brain in a rock body. I want you to have a full life – the life you deserve with someone you love who loves you. Please, don't tie yourself to me".

"Jane, you are the only thing that matters to me. You are my life, the love of my life. I'm not leaving you, so you might as well stop trying to get me to do anything else".

"I want you to really think about this. What happens in a year, or if I am even living in two years?"

"Jane, there are people who have recovered fully from LIS. Not many, but those that have recovered have done so because they fought and worked hard. This is going to be really hard, Jane, but we have something to live for – us."

"Am I going to stay in this hospital?"

"No, baby, I'm having you moved to a special rehabilitation facility right here in town. The Isles Foundation has made contributions to them over the years. I know I can get you in. Jane, you have to believe this will work for it to work".

"Alright, if you're telling me that we will have a life together, then I have a reason to fight – I love you so much".

"And while I was home, I did some research for Angela on the healing fountain at Lourdes. We can send to a group called The Congregation of the Holy Cross. They are an organization of Catholic priests that has someone in Lourdes that gets the water from the spring. They bottle it up and send it to the U.S. I'll give Angela the information and if she wants to, she can send for it".

"Maura, really. My Ma believes in this but, I'm not so sure I do".

"Jane, I will believe in anything that gives us a chance at you being whole again. And Jane, please allow me to take care of you. I know it's not natural for you, but you need to let me love you by letting me take care of you".

"Okay, you know how hard it was for me, but honestly, Maura I don't know who I am anymore. Hell, I don't even know what I am".

"We're not going to let this beat us, Jane".

"Okay, just tell me what I'm supposed to do".

"Right now, sweetie, the therapists I hired are coming in to do an evaluation and start your physical therapy. Just work as hard as you can. That will be enough".

"Maura, could you kiss my face again?"

Maura put her knuckles to her lips and fought back tears. "Of course", she said as she bent down and kissed Jane's lips. "Every minute you're not concentrating on getting better, I want you to remember how much I love you".

Jane blinked once, and as she did, a single tear rolled down her cheek.


	7. Chapter 7

**This is hard to write. This is a sad chapter. But I promise it will get better. I would love it if you reviewed. Sorry, this chapter is kinda short. There will be another update soon. Thanks for hanging in there.**

The Physical Therapists were there the next morning and continued to work with Jane every day. After two weeks, Maura had arranged to have Jane moved to a special care facility, and had arranged for the PTs to meet them there. It was hard to detect any change in Jane.

Angela, meanwhile, had sent to the priests for the miracle water. A bottle had come yesterday, and she brought it with her to begin using it on Jane.

As Angela began rubbing the water on her daughter's body, she began to tell a story. "Janie, when you were a little girl, maybe six, I used to take you to church with me, just the two of us, during the week. I did volunteer work there. It wasn't much, but I would do things like change the candles and dust around the statues, you know, just little things. Instead of running around like you did at home, you would go into the little grotto in the back corner of the church. There was a statue of the Virgin in there. It was lined in rough stone like it was a real grotto. It was dark, and, there were lots of little votive candles. You would just kneel there in front of the statue, or you would sit in the chair that was in there, and you would just stare. I never knew what was going through your head – whether you were praying or dreaming, or what, but you would come home and you would stay in this really calm state for at least an hour before you would turn into your rambunctious little self again".

Jane did not use her communication device. She stayed silent.

"Okay, honey, I've put the water all over you. I'm going to come every day and do the same thing. And Jane, I know that you and your brothers have gotten away from the church. You go with me on Christmas Eve because I make you. But, my sweet girl, we need to ask God for some kind of miracle. I'm praying for you every day, and I have special prayers being said for you all over Boston. You have to believe that there can be a miracle, Jane, please try. Will you promise to think about it"?

"Okay, Ma, I'll think about it".

Angela kissed her on her forehead and left to go home. Maura wasn't there yet, so Jane was left with her own thoughts.

_I remember the grotto. There was something so peaceful and special about it. I would talk to the lady, that's what she was to me, and I would tell her all about myself, and my Ma and Pop. I could sit there for hours and have these conversations in my head. Every once in a while as I got older, I would go back there and just sit. When I realized I was gay, I stopped going. I think I stopped believing that God or His Mother would still love me. _

"Jane, hi sweetie, sorry I'm late". Maura leaned over to kiss Jane. I had to stop and see Dr. Osborne, the Director of the facility. We have agreed that you will stay here and receive the best care possible for as long as you need".

"Maura, nothing feels different. It's the same. I still can't feel anything".

"Jane, please be patient. We know this may take a long time. It's a slow recovery. Jane, honey, all we have to do is have the PTs work on you and wait".

"Maura, do you believe in miracles"?

"Oh, Jane. You know it's hard for me to believe in anything that's not scientific".

"I want to believe, Maura, I really do. Because if I believe the opposite – that I'm going to be like this for a long time - I don't think I could bear the thought of continuing to live. And if I can't imagine living anymore, then Maur, I want you to help me end it".

"JANE", Maura raised her voice. "Please don't say that, please, Jane you can't mean that".

"You come here every day, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it. But you walk in here, you WALK in here. You leave here, you see the outside, you talk to people, you eat real food, you don't have a tube in your throat to stop you from suffocating, you take a drink of water, and you feel the snow on your face. I'm not going to be able to live like this Maura. Please, when the time comes, promise me you'll help me leave".

Maura held her head in her hands. Jane knew she was crying.

"Don't cry Maur. I love you so much. I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss your face, I want to take a walk with you, I want to make love to you, and I want a life with you. But not the way I am now, not like this".

Maura was sobbing. She tried not to, but a terrible pain had made its way up from the depths of her soul and had overcome her. She wanted to scream, and she wanted to run, but she stayed and tried with all of her strength to compose herself.

Jane's eyes never left her.

They needed a breakthrough, something that would give Jane some hope – maybe, Maura thought, they needed a miracle.

**Well, what do you think?**


	8. Chapter 8

**That's why they call it fan fiction.**

Maura stayed with Jane until she was sure she had fallen asleep. She sat in the chair next to her bed and watched her. Helped by breathing apparatus, she looked peaceful.

Maura knew Jane well enough to understand what was going on with her tonight. The Jane she knew was strong and vibrant and an adrenalin junky. She had very little fear, and never considered her own safety when it came to saving someone else. This person lying here was Jane and was not Jane. But this person was still the person Maura loved with all her heart, and for the first time in her life, she knew what was meant by "unconditional love".

It mattered little to her whether Jane was a detective, a hero, an athlete. This person was the person Maura wanted to spend the rest of her life with. This was who she was meant to be with. This was her soul mate.

It was late when she decided to leave and go home for the night. She called Angela to tell her Jane was sleeping, then she called Korsak and Frost to give them both updates.

She was home in 30 minutes. When she walked into the house, Bass was waiting for her at the door. He was never waiting for her at the door.

"Oh, Bass, honey, I forgot to feed you this morning. I am so sorry".

She went to the kitchen, and got Bass his English strawberries and some leafy greens, promising that would never happen again. She poured herself a glass of wine and went upstairs to change her clothes. She put on an old sweatshirt of Jane's and yoga pants, and made her way to the couch_. I should eat, but I just can't._

She had another glass of wine, then fell asleep. She was awakened by a sound in front of her, and as she opened her eyes, there was Jane. Her Jane, the old Jane, dressed in her detective pants and jacket, standing with her arms folded over her chest, staring into Maura's eyes. Maura shook her head as if to wake herself. "Jane, are you real, is this a dream"?

"Maura, I need a miracle. You have to take me to Lourdes. We have to go there. I can't live like this Maur. I just can't. I don't want to leave you, but that person lying in the rehab facility bed is not me. Please, Maura". Then she was gone.

Maura quickly sat up and as she placed the wine glass on the table, she was breathing hard and put her hand to her chest. _That was a dream._ _It was vivid, but still a dream. What does it mean? What am I going to do?_

She called Constance. "Mother, I know it's early in the morning there, but I need to talk".

"Maura, darling, how's Jane"?

"She doesn't seem to be improving, mother, she still can't move anything has no feeling in any part of her body".

"Oh, my darling girl, I am so very sorry".

Maura began to cry. "Mother, have you ever heard of a place called Lourdes".

"Of course, darling, it's a place the Catholics believe heals….oh, Maura, you're not thinking of taking her there are you? You know how religious people are, dear, they believe in unscientific visions and a lot of other mumbo jumbo".

"Mother, if Jane doesn't get better, she wants me to help her die. I can't lose her, I just can't."

Maura, dear, I know how much you love her, how much you've loved her for years, but taking Jane halfway across the world because of some legend…what if she and Angela get their hopes up, what if the trip itself is too much for her"?

"Mother, I know we've never believed in anything other than what we could lay our hands on, what we could paint, or what we could prove through science, but there are stories of people being healed there, whether it's some kind of hysteria or placebo effect, there are people who are healed there. I think Jane believes in this. I think I should take her there".

"Well, my love, you know that you can have any resource, the plane, nurses, doctors, whatever you need to do what you decide to do."

"Thank you, mother, and thank you so much for being here for me".

"Alright, my darling. You give Jane a kiss from us".

"Will do, mother, talk with you soon to let you know what the plans are. And mother,… I love you". After seconds of hesitation, Constance responded, "and I love you too, darling".

Maura collapsed on the couch and began to think about how she might do this.

The first thing she would do is call Cardinal O'Malley. The cardinal could arrange to have Maura, Jane and Angela briefed on where they were going, where they would stay, and what the protocol was for taking Jane to the grotto with the spring. He is a friend of the family and has been for years, and he sits on the board of one of the Isles Foundation's charities.

She would speak with the Director of the care facility taking care of Jane and the doctors there about how they could transport her safely.

There was a lot to do, a lot of details to take care of, but if there was a chance that this could happen, that there really was a miracle out there, or some placebo effect, or whatever this was for Jane, then she would do everything in her power to make that healing happen.

Talking out loud to herself, Maura said, "Jane, I know it was just a dream, but I had it for a reason, and there is nothing I won't do to have you be your whole self again.

Tomorrow morning, first thing, she would tell Angela and Jane.

**I really need reviews on this one, you guys.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Reviews have been mixed. If I hadn't started down this path, I wouldn't be going here, but I did, and so I am. For those of you who are leaving the story, okay, bye. For those of you who have stuck by me in this, thank you. For those of you who have faced anything like this in your life, you may have tried this yourself, I know I would have.**

Maura had been up late researching everything she could find on Lourdes: where they could stay, who they would meet there, and finally, when they could go.

She went to the hospital with a briefcase full of photos and lists. One of the things she wanted to do today was to have Jane moved to something more portable – a specially designed wheelchair with a ventilator build in. It would make transporting her to Lourdes easier and she could be taken outside now that the weather was changing.

When she entered Jane's room, Angela was there rubbing her body with Lourdes water and praying. Jane looked to be sleeping.

"Good morning, Angela".

"Good morning, Maura".

"I have something to discuss with you. I've been thinking, a lot, about actually taking Jane to Lourdes. Wait, before you say anything. I know that I'm not exactly a believer. I was taught very early on that there were no such things as miracles, that there was no God, and that science was everything. But…I love Jane so much, and I cannot bear to see her like this, and I'm willing to try anything and everything. The therapy doesn't seem to be helping, and I'm losing hope that it ever will. So, I have contacted Cardinal O'Malley and I'm waiting to hear back from him about helping us make arrangements to take her".

Angela began to cry.

"Maura, I don't know what to say".

"Don't say anything, Angela, it's not my belief, but I think both you and Jane believe, so we're going to do this. We'll talk with Jane when she wakes".

Jane woke up 2 hours later.

"Janie, Maura went to talk with your doctors. I want to go get her; I'll be right back".

When Maura returned, she stood next to Jane brushing her hair back from her face.

"Good morning, sweetie. Jane, honey, I've made a decision that I hope you'll be okay with. You and your mother believe that something miraculous can happen, has happened, at Lourdes. I think there are probably lots of reason things reported as miracles happen. That's not important. What's important is that we're taking you to Lourdes".

"Maura", Jane typed with her eyes, "I don't know what I believe".

"Jane, we are all going to have to reach way down to the depths of our souls for this, but you especially are going to have to believe in this. "How will I get there, like this?"

"In 2 weeks your new wheelchair will be here. It reclines and will have all the equipment you need. Constance is giving us the plane, and Cardinal O'Malley is helping to make all the arrangements".

"Maura, I can't do this unless you're with me".

"Honey, I will not leave your side, not for 1 minute".

"I guess it's worth a try, so okay, let's do this".

"I love you Jane, and I will do anything that gives you a chance. If nothing happens there, then we haven't lost anything and we'll continue to have the therapists work with you. Now, do you want me to read to you or do you want to listen to music? The therapists will be here in 30 minutes".

"What are you going to read"?

"I've been doing lots of research on our trip, so I have pictures and instructions on what we need to do, how about that"?

"Okay".

The next 2 weeks were filled with phone calls, meetings and a long list of other preparations.

They had Jane fitted with her wheelchair, and it arrived today. It was an inclined chair outfitted with her communication device and her ventilator. It took 2 hours to prepare her and move her and her equipment. Finally, she was ready to be moved.

"Want to go outside".

"Okay, Jane, we'll take it slow, but I would love to take you outside".

Moving slowly through the corridor, Maura pushed Jane to the front doors. The therapists helped her open doors and finally they were outside. Jane was feeling the sun on her for the first time in months. The sun was too bright and she closed her eyes immediately. Maura took off her sun glasses and put them on Jane's face.

"Better"?

"Yes".

"So, Jane, we're leaving next week. Everything's ready. We'll take you to a private airport and land in Barcelona. Then we have a fully-equipped ambulance waiting and we drive to Lourdes. Once we're there, Angela and I will be staying at a local hotel, and you will be staying at a new medical facility until the next morning. There are doctors there who will examine you to verify your medical records. They do this so that when, and I want us all to start saying when, you are healed, they want to have medical evidence. When that happens, we go back in 6 months to verify that the healing is permanent".

Jane was simply staring at Maura.

"Oh, and there will be a representative from the Cardinal's office with us so he can take care of any red tape and make sure you get into the grotto as soon as possible".

Jane continued to stare. Then finally typed, "I so want to believe this, but what if I don't believe it enough, will it not work. What if my doubts stop the healing from taking place"?

"Jane, please try to believe. Your mother believes this without a doubt. And what she tells me is that if it's God's will that you be healed, it will happen with or without you believing. But honestly, Jane, if, I mean when, you are healed, I think we will believe that you were healed whether it is the collective energy at that place or God, or whatever. I would not put you through this if I didn't think there was some chance. I love you Jane and I want you back".

They stayed out in the sun for another hour both lost in their own thoughts. Jane was reacquainting herself with prayer and Maura was lost in her logic.

Reviews?

Next Chapter, Lourdes


	10. Chapter 10

**This is the last Chapter. Thanks to those of you who stuck with me through this, and thanks for the reviews. It was surprising to me that there were so many positive, non-judgmental reviews. I've had some wonderful discussions about spiritual things since writing this. I am encouraged.**

Jane was wheeled out every day to enjoy the fresh air and the sunshine. It lifted her spirits somewhat, at least she didn't feel like a prisoner in the room, just a prisoner in her body. Still, the feeling of summer air blowing on her face felt better than air conditioning. The smell of the grass better than her room.

Her brothers had come to see her and sat with her outside. They found it really difficult to see Jane the way she was. They told her stories about work and TJ, and brought news from Korsak and Frost. They kissed her goodbye the night before she was to be flown to France with heartfelt wishes for her recovery. Then they left and both of them cried all the way home.

Maura came every day and stayed all day. This night she told Jane she was going to leave a little early to make sure everything was finalized and she was packed. Jane had had a full day and was drifting off anyway.

"Okay, honey, I'm going home. We have a big day tomorrow. We'll be here around 7, and I've got an ambulance scheduled to help get you to the airport. The facility is going to send a small truck with other supplies so they will have the plane loaded before we get there. Cardinal O'Malley is sending a priest who has been to Lourdes before with us. I met him last night, he seems like a very pious person and he's excited to be going back. He told me he's seen some really amazing things happen there. I want you to get all the rest you can so I've asked the doctor to give you something tonight so the excitement doesn't keep you up. Well, I think that's everything".

"Maur", typed Jane, "I really appreciate what you're doing, and I love you so much".

"I love you too, baby, now get some rest".

Maura left the facility and went home to pack.

Jane knew she'd have no trouble sleeping so when the nurse came in, she asked her not to give her any sleep medication.

Before she fell asleep, Jane decided to have a conversation with God.

_God, I've realized while I was lying here that I've lived my life with you in the background, and now here I am asking for your grace – asking for a miracle. I know there are so many other people, people with terrible diseases, children with terrible deformities, people dying in wars for no reason, and many of them have called on you for your help. Now here I am, just a cop, just a Boston cop, who hasn't gone to church in years, a cop with a girlfriend, and I don't know what you think of that detail. I know what the church has told me you think, but I'm not so sure that it's one of your priority sins or if you think that loving someone as much as I love Maura could be a sin at all. If I were to believe what my Nonna taught me when I was little, it was that you love all of us, and you decide if your plan is to heal or not depending on that plan. I hope you have a plan for me, something I haven't done yet._

_I am so very desperate. I want to live. I want to be Jane again. I want to live my life loving my beautiful Maura, maybe raising kids with her, I want to be a loving, daughter, sister, friend, and partner. But, there is no way I can have any of those things without this miracle that I'm asking for. And, I know that only you know, only you can decide, only your will for me is what will happen, no matter how hard my mother prays, or whether I'm here in this bed or half way around the world. I know that you can heal me with a thought or leave me in the state I'm in now. So I'm asking, please heal me or take me, but please don't leave me like this._

She wanted to scream and cry, she wanted to wail, she wanted to run through the woods howling in pain like a mourning wolf, but all she could do was lie there and allow tears to run down her cheek.

She closed her eyes saying one last, "God, please".

They never made it to the plane.

Maura arrived in Jane's room at 7, but there was no Jane in her bed. She panicked and ran down the hall screaming for a doctor or a nurse. Doctors and nurses were running with her to Jane's room.

"Did she die in the night? Where is she"?

Everyone was in panic mode. Did someone move her" Had someone started to prepare her during the night for the trip? Did she have a seizure and was taken somewhere? None of it made sense, of course none of those things could have happened.

Then Maura looked out the window and what she saw dropped her to her knees. The doctors rushed over and helped her up, but she couldn't speak through her sobbing. Breathlessly, she slowly raised her shaking hand and pointed outside.

There, still dressed in her hospital gown kneeling on the grass with her eyes looking up, and her arms outstretched, was Jane.

Maura pushed frantically to get everyone out of her way, kicked off her shoes and ran as fast as she could to get outside.

"Jaaannne", she screamed, "Jaaannne", oh my God, Jane. Jane turned and opened her arms and Maura ran into them.

"God", said Jane, "I asked for a miracle, and I don't know why Maura, I don't know why me, except that here I am, He answered our prayers"

Maura had Jane's face in her hands and was kissing it all over, still sobbing. Jane lifted her up and held her close.

The staff was standing near the door dumbfounded. No one spoke, no one moved. Then one of them dropped to her knees and one by one they all followed. The believers and the unbelievers alike dropped to their knees knowing a miracle when they saw one.

Jane and Maura turned and slowly walked toward them holding hands. And still, no one moved. Then both Jane and Maura knelt down with them and Maura starting to cry all over again, then haltingly spoke and it was nearly incoherent.

"I…I…thank….you…God for this miracle, for bringing my Jane back to me, for doing what unbelievers like me did not think possible, for giving me my life back, my life with my Jane, for giving me my Jane back".

Jane reached over and put both her arms around her. She kissed her on top of her head and said quietly, "I think we should call my family".

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